What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 05:00
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why is the Middle East prone to terrorism?
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
What are hygiene habits that everyone should have?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Has anyone ever worn leather pants? Are they comfortable?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My life is so biszare .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was scared of men, in general
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Would this be the day?
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Who then, do I blame.?
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!